Day seven: Seven of my most enduring life lessons

It’s officially been a week since I started the 30-day blogging challenge, and overall it’s been thoroughly enjoyable. It’s lovely to permit myself to write about random things that are on my mind as opposed to agonising over whether a topic is perfect or not.

I’m all about being perfectly imperfect at the moment.

As someone who somewhat inadvertently turned her greatest passion into a career, it’s very rare to be writing for the sake of writing (as opposed to writing for a client or editor). I haven’t dedicated time to personal creative writing projects since I wrote my book a few years back (yes, it’s still not been edited and no, I haven’t abandoned the project), so the blogging challenge has been a great way to find joy in the written word again.

Today I’ve decided to share some personal life lessons that have stood the test of time.

It’s good to be selective about who you share your time with

I didn’t learn the concepts of boundaries and needs until last year. That is, that one should have healthy boundaries with both themselves and the people in their lives and that each of us has our own unique sets of needs, mostly ones that we should meet for ourselves, and those that get fulfilled through our relationships, both platonic and romantic.

As a result of not knowing how any of this worked, my boundaries were violated by people, and I also invested time and energy into friendships and romantic relationships that were never going to meet my needs.

It’s really important to figure out what your values and needs are, and to invest your time in people who are good for you. Never let anyone make you feel like you’re asking for too much, either – the right people will be there for you.

Some people aren’t for you, and that’s okay

We’re all so different it’s a miracle that any of us get along, so the truth is you’re going to ‘vibe’ with some people more than others. You’re not going to be liked by everyone, and you’re not going to like everyone you cross paths with. And that’s what makes those special connections you have in your life even more beautiful – the fact that finding someone you get along with and who really ‘sees’ you is rare and precious.

Aim to be your own biggest cheerleader and best friend

I initially thought the concept of being one’s own best friend was some New Age quackery. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, that’s how alien the whole concept was. It’s only when I started to think about it in terms of talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a close friend, with the same amount of compassion and care, that I realised how it worked.

And yet, it’s not easy to achieve, especially if you’ve gone through your life being your own harshest critic. It’s a miracle I achieved anything with the cruel voice I had in my head the whole time, telling me I was worthless and a host of other negative things.

The truth is that we’re all inherently worthy as humans – achievements, looks, possessions and everything else we grasp onto aside. No, you don’t need to achieve that promotion to be deemed worthy. No, you don’t need to have bought that house. No, you don’t need to have a partner. No, you don’t need to be perfect. No, you don’t need to look a certain way.

And yes, you’re still worthy even when you’ve made mistakes (just in case you’re wondering).

There’s great power in realising your worth and that you’re not defined by your achievements or other arbitrary societal ideals. That’s when you start to be on your own side and make your way through life living more authentically and true to yourself. It’s not always easy, but focusing on bettering the relationship I have with myself has been one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Grief isn’t reserved for the death of a loved one

It turns out, we don’t just grieve following the death of a loved one. We grieve the end of relationships and friendships. We grieve the loss of a job or an old way of life. We grieve the cities we lived in and the lives we once led there. We grieve old versions of ourselves. We grieve the loss of our youth. We grieve the loss of our physical health to an illness.

In short, we typically grieve when there’s been some kind of loss in our lives.

It’s therefore important to be extra gentle with ourselves when going through a period of grief and to allow ourselves to process it in our own time. If you’re anything like me, your automatic response is likely to berate yourself for feeling the way you do and to try and push through it. But the truth is that even if you succeed in pushing that loss to the back of your mind, the next time you grieve all the losses will come back to the fore.

So take the time to process grief as and when it comes up with self-compassion and love. Your future self will thank you for it.

Self-compassion is the greatest gift

I’m what is known as a highly sensitive person (HSP), which means that I’m deeply affected by things in my environment, whether that be noise, smells, lights – pretty much everything. It also means that I’m very sensitive to pain (hurrah, I’m not just a wuss!), I’m able to pick up on the subtlest of social cues, and I feel things deeply – perhaps more so than the average person.

In all honesty, I spent most of my life wishing I weren’t this way. It means I’m prone to crying easily. It means that if there’s a sudden loud noise I’m startled. It means that I can get overwhelmed by my emotions.

But the older I get and the more I’ve worked on my inner critic, the more I’ve started to value my sensitivity and have self-compassion. Being an HSP makes me more conscientious. It makes me experience a sense of awe at the simplest of things, like watching the sunrise or hearing a bird sing on my windowsill. It makes me highly intuitive and able to pick up on things others don’t. It makes me empathetic and able to hold space for people when they’re going through a rough time.

I do believe working on being more self-compassionate has helped me to appreciate and love the person that I am and to reframe perceived flaws as strengths.

Most people don’t mean to hurt you

Most people don’t mean to hurt you (unless they’re sociopaths). When they act out, they’re usually doing so because of some unresolved pain from their childhood.

“Oh gosh, how Freudian,” I hear you groan.

However, I do firmly believe this because when I observe myself and how I’ve likely hurt people in the past, I recognise it’s because I was acting out on a childhood wound. Some people don’t have the resources to get a therapist and work through it all, while others are too scared to face up to the pain, and some don’t even realise they have a problem.

This does not mean I condone people recklessly hurting others just because they are hurting. It’s our responsibility to work on any pain or trauma that we have from the past in order to be able to relate to people in healthier ways.

However, knowing that people mostly don’t mean to hurt each other helps me not become cynical.

Lord Buddha was right: the most precious ‘thing’ we have is the present moment

Pretty self-explanatory, but this is a lesson I keep coming back to since I first started studying Buddhism.

Time and time again, I’m guilty of spending too much time either worrying about what might happen in the future or agonising over something that’s in the past. The reality is I can’t change anything from my past, so what’s the point in agonising? And I certainly can’t predict the future, so why ruminate over what might happen? Every time I do this, I’m robbing myself of the joy of the present moment.

This isn’t an easy life lesson to constantly put into practice, but I do try. Even having this awareness helps me, particularly in moments where I feel my mind going into overdrive. Sometimes it just takes some deep breaths to feel more present. Other times I’ll need to meditate or take a long walk out in nature. But trying to bring myself back into the moment helps me to feel more grounded and able to deal with life’s challenges.

I also think social media is constantly yanking us out of the present moment. Ever since I consciously started making the effort not to take a picture of every beautiful thing I see or experience, I’ve realised I’m much more present. In the past, I’d be busy posting an Instagram story or thinking up a caption while whatever marvel I’d witnessed was still right before my eyes.

This is not living in the present moment. So the next time you see something that makes your heart skip a beat, I implore you to leave your phone in your pocket or handbag and just be there. Bear witness to what’s before you, notice how it makes you feel, and breathe.

It’s one of life’s gifts to you and it’s precious. It should be treated as such.